It’s all well and good hearing “confidence is key," but sometimes you need some straightforward tips on how to have good sex.
Being good at sex is somewhat of a myth, but if there’s anyone who’s got a handle of how to have good sex it’s the people who work in one of the world’s most ancient jobs. We wanted some straightforward tips on fingering, dick sucking, oral and standard bouncing – so we asked. These tips aren’t about to turn you into a porn star, but you might be surprised by the fundamentals of sex that you’ve missed.
Needless to say, it’s better to ask the specific person you’re sleeping with what they like – all sexual experiences are subjective – but sleeping with tens if not hundreds of people for work does give you a few clues as to what gets most people off. It’s all well and good to tell people that “confidence is key” or to just “enjoy themselves”, but it turns out there are more than a few ways to turn a trick that can be applied to anyone’s everyday sex life.
We went to the experts: in this case, sex workers Lily, Mia, Samantha and Becca of Pōneke’s The Bedroom, and here’s what they had to say…
Let’s get some basic sex dos and don’ts out of the way:
Having good hygiene is a given (including good breath). Commenting on someone’s weight or appearance is a no-go unless it’s an absolute compliment.
And there are a few areas that unquestionably require discussion:
Anal or butt play? Discuss it.
Anything that leaves a mark? Discuss it. Bites, bruises and rope burns can put someone in an uncomfortable situation at work or home, so making sure the person being marked is ok with it is a must.
Where you’re gonna cum? Discuss it. There’s nothing less sexy than someone ruining your makeup or freshly washed hair. And if the contraceptive situation hasn’t been made clear, not double checking that your landing pad is approved could end in genuine disaster.
With that aside, let’s get into some of the specifics. Here’s what our sex-work overseers had to say:
HOW TO: HANDJOBS
“I always start slow. Be aware of how sensitive their area is and really ease into it. Remember how many nerve endings there are. It is friction!” - Mia
“Use saliva and lube.” - Samantha
“If the handjob goes on too long men [can] lose sensitivity, so you're actually better to stop doing the handjob altogether. Give it a rest and then try again.” - Lily
“Even if you're not being touched, they want to see that you're into them being aroused. They want to see you turned on as well.” - Samantha
HOW TO: FINGERING
“Don’t finger a dry pussy really hard. You’ll give them thrush.” - Lily
“I love my butt being played with, but if you’re gonna put your finger in my butt then in my pussy, all I’m thinking is urine infection. So don’t do that. It’s hygiene y’know.” - Mia
“Definitely don’t start by shoving three fingers in someone at once. You can build up to it, but that’s not a sexy way to start.” - Becca
“A finger and clitoral rub at the same time is the best. Fingers in, thumb on clit.” - Lily
“Don’t shove your knuckles into the coochie because they don’t do anything.” - Mia
HOW TO SUCK DICK
“Use your hand at the base like it's half-hand-job-half-blow-job. Just using your mouth, a lot of men won’t cum.” - Lily
“Go from the outside, inwards. Lead up from touching the thighs and then you move in and stimulate them… A lot of guys like the balls.” - Samantha
“The men say it feels better without the condom. Supposedly there’s a lot of sensitivity lost.” - Lily
“I think the wetter the better. The more saliva, the more it feels like a pussy.” - Lily
HOW TO EAT SOMEONE OUT
“With facial hair, the smoother the better, or be hairy. But prickly hurts. It’s like sandpaper.” - Mia
“Doing the alphabet with your tongue, that was a Cosmopolitan tip… don’t do that. Don’t motorboat. Don’t bite. Don’t blow. Don’t hum. That’s another Cosmo tip. It's just weird.” - Lily
“You’re sensitive in areas that aren’t normally touched, so incorporate the inner thighs, or holding the hips and touching those creases. Do all that kind of stuff as the lead-up, outside of the vagina, and then slowly work your way in.” - Samantha
“Putting your tongue into the actual vagina doesn’t feel that good… It’s not a dick. You wouldn’t make someone cum from it.” - Becca
“The person needs to be honest if they’re not into [eating me out]. Because I can tell if they’re not enjoying it and then I feel like I’m torturing them.” - Samantha
HOW TO HAVE INTERCOURSE
“Replicating what you’ve seen in porn is really dangerous and also really obvious. You should never come straight into a sexual encounter with someone you don’t know well and choke and slap them. It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable.” - Becca
“If there's a massive size difference between you and your partner, be aware to hold your own weight when you’re on top. It happened to me with a partner who was bigger than me, and he’d rest all his weight on me and I’d start panicking because I couldn’t breathe.” - Samantha
“Jackhammering can be painful if you’re not in the mood for it. Just be aware. They have a pelvic bone. They have a cervix. And you’re banging up against it.” - Becca
“If she’s invested in lingerie let her wear it for ten minutes. If she’s feeling sexy and she’s dolled herself up, a suspender belt, stockings, don’t just rip it off straight away. Make her feel beautiful in what she’s wearing. And then she’ll want to dress up for you more because you’ve shown you appreciate it.” - Lily
“Kiss during sex! It makes you feel so rejected if someone stops kissing you as soon as you start fucking. It’s awkward.” - Becca
THE ‘FEEL GOOD’ FACTOR
“You've got to be able to pick up what they're feeling. You need to be very in tune with other people. In real layman's examples, it’s whether you'd say like, ‘I want you to fuck me’ or ‘I want to make love to you’. It's a bit of emotional intelligence.” - Samantha
“I think if one person stands to gain more from the experience than the other, then it's not something that's gonna be enjoyable.” - Mia
"You can ask what they want without it ruining the mood. Just saying, ‘Does it feel good?’ ‘Do you want it faster?’ or ‘What can I do for you?’ It's not embarrassing.” - Samantha
In the end, everyone will have some mortifying moments in their sexual lives and everyone will feel things differently – and that’s okay folks! We learn, we grow, we throb with undulating desire.
We hope the wise words of our sex-worker friends can help you feel on top of the basics so that you know the sex you’re having feels good for everyone involved, inside and out.
